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True Essence

My yoga teacher, who knows a lot about me and my story, recently asked me "what do you like about yourself, what is your true essence?". I gave the usual answer that I have been giving myself for most of my life - that I am kind, generous, helpful etc. etc. That was not the answer he was looking for. He said those things are in relation to other people i.e. these traits are what I think other people perceive me as. But what is really MY true essence and what do I like about MYSELF. He gave me a week to think about it.

That did get me thinking. I talked to some friends about it over the week. I realised how much of my self-perception is dictated by other people. And it has been like that all my life. What I think of myself is really what I think others think of me. Or what I want others to think of me. But if I take other people out of the equation, what am I? What is my true essence?

The more I thought, the more I realised that my true essence is creativity. Looking back, all the way to my childhood even, I have felt truly "in the zone" or in a state of flow when I was engaging my creativity. And by creativity I don't mean the traditional sense of the word - creativity doesn't have to be something brand new. You can be creative even in simple things, like arranging your furniture or taking care of your cat :). Somehow I feel this is true for most, if not all, people. As humans, what brings us true joy, satisfaction and gives meaning to life is creativity and progress. It isn't about achieving or accumulating, it is all about the process. And creativity in the process. Actually "getting what you want" is sort of the worst thing that can happen to you. Since once you get it, it makes you ecstatic for a just a short while before you resort to your default state of happiness. Research has shown that we all have a pre-determined normal state of happiness which we gravitate towards. Something extremely positive makes us more happy for a short while, but then we go back to our normal state. Something tragic makes us miserable for a while, but then we go back to our normal state (I am generalising here, in some cases people can get "stuck" in misery which then becomes clinical depression. However this "normal" state of happiness can be raised as well, and the way to do that, I think, is through creativity). So contentment and joy is in the process of getting what you want, not in actually getting it. And creativity in the process, along with progress, is what dictates the amount of joy and happiness you experience in daily life.

If this is true, then why people, myself included, are so achievement and results driven. This is where evolution has sort of screwed us. We didn't evolve to be happy and content. We evolved to survive and procreate. We are just machines for our genes to propagate. And our genes want us to survive and procreate. They don't care if we are happy or miserable in the process. And to survive and procreate, evolution has designed us to be results and achievement orientated. Consciousness and self-awareness is not needed for that. It is more of an accident of evolution, an unintended by-product. So this is where there is divergence  - between the evolutionary forces that have the sole goal of survival/ reproduction and the consciousness/self-awareness driven forces that strive for contentment and happiness. And in a nutshell, this is the struggle of human existence. And this is why human life is not easy. Don't believe anyone who tells you otherwise. Life as a self-aware human being is difficult. But we can still make the best out of it if we know what it is all about. Which is nothing. So just try and enjoy the ride while it lasts, knowing that it won't be a smooth one.


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